Falling From Cloud 9

wide_awake

That seems to be everyone’s favourite line: “you’re so strong.”

“Wow! You’ve got TWO kids, and you left your husband while you were pregnant? You’re so strong!”

“You have a day job, you’re a Domme, and you have a personal life? Gosh, you’re so strong!”

Because that’s what a Dominant is, isn’t it? If nothing else, we’re meant to be the strong ones, the ones who can take the hand of their submissive, and guide them through the ups and downs. We’re the safe rock during a storm. And on loads of days, I feel like the most powerful woman you have ever met. Up with your shit, m’dear, I will not put! I bring men and women to their knees with my personality and will. My hands have power and strength, the sway of my hips can draw the eye… I don’t back down from the gaze of anyone; they back down from me. On loads of days, I feel like that, but not today.

Today, I was on the bus into town, and Katy Perry’s “Wide Awake” came on my phone. It’s a song that never really caught my attention before, other than being a cute little tune. But today, it reminded me of a study I once read, about a man who had short term memory loss. Each day, he would wake up and start his journal off with, “I woke up today…” He couldn’t remember anything before that day, you see, or else it all felt like a dream.

That’s what I’ve felt like since my husband and I started the separation process; it’s like having a bucket of ice thrown on your face, or like crashing into concrete when you thought you could fly. But it’s so much more than that; it’s a betrayal of everything you thought you knew about your life, what you had, and who your partner was. Suddenly, you wake up, and everything you thought your life was, it all turns out to be smoke and mirrors, dreams and wishes. It’s all gone. And some days, I just go about making my new life. MOST days, I do that. But today, “Wide Awake” came on, and I couldn’t breath.

Falling from Cloud 9. I’m crashing from the high. Because that’s all it ever was: clouds and smoke and a drug you were fed to make you think that what you ever had was real.

I was gutted, listening to it.

Thunder rumbling, castles crumbling. I am trying to hold on. God knows that I tried seeing the bright side, I’m not blind anymore.

You can’t grasp all the layers of the song, until someone you thought you loved has taken so much from you, even your illusions about love and marriage. The people who walked by me on the street today may have looked over and seen a woman who walked through the streets with her head up, going about her business. But inside, I felt small. I was a little girl, hands outstretched, trying to save the castles she had built, but knowing that they were all slipping away like sand.

It’s a self-serving post, I admit it. But I’m not as strong as they think I am. I’m maybe not as strong as I should be. Nine years are gone. For nearly nothing. It was supposed to be a lifetime; that’s what I wanted.

I’m maybe not as strong as a good Domme should be, because all I want to do is find someone stronger and ask them to beat me, whip me, make me cry. Take the rage and pain rushing through me where my blood should be, and give them exit ports in my skin. For a few hours, be someone who asks nothing of me other than my body. I can give you that. But please don’t ask me to be strong, today. It’s all I can do to breathe.

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