Everyone Wants a Part, But Never the Whole

It took me ages to find my password, which sucked, because I have a lot to say.

It’s been a while. It felt like 2015 was massive for a load of people, not just me. But on a selfish note, I’m so far removed from the person I was 13 months ago. It’s staggering and amazing and humbling… and a bit sad. There was a naivete, a belief I had that my ex would just be the man I thought he could be. But months of fighting for him to help pay, even just the medical bills for the boys, has given me a clearer picture of who he is, and what I’m capable of.

I’m harder, now. My boundaries are stronger, my demands are less flexible. And when you start drawing your lines in the sand, not everyone makes it across.

I broke up with SpecialK. As much as I loved him, I said, he didn’t want kids, and I had two. Not to mention the fact that his girlfriend had dinner with my ex, then came back and accused me of trying to get pregnant with his baby to “trap” him into staying with me.

I don’t need that drama. Keep your DD/lg bullshit over there, thanks.

The next night, he came over to my place, late at night.  He told me how she had said she wanted marriage, a pocket fence, the works. He told me that he said he didn’t want any of that… But he realized that was a lie; he wanted it with me.

That’s great. And if I ever wanted to be married again, it could be to him… But he’s still somewhat uncomfortable around the kids; still doesn’t gravitate towards spending “family time” together. So I’m left wondering if he loves me, all of me, even the mom who sometimes gets poop on her hands.

Of course, coming out of a shitty marriage, I’m kind of adrift in the expectations department.

The important thing is, I made it through this year, I’m not an alcoholic, and my sex life is SO much better with a man who loves giving oral!

Ugh. Seriously. How did I go 10 years without?? 👍

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