Understanding My No

Being a Domme feels like it’s something that should belong to a radically feminist, strong minded woman. And in many ways, I feel like that’s what I am. I got a new job, and negotiated a €20k raise from my previous position. When I’m in a scene or having sex with my sub, I have no problems telling him exactly what I want and how to do it.

And yet…. there’s still this part of me, either residual like slime from my marriage, staining my mind and desires, skewing perceptions of how I really feel and what I really want, or else it’s a socially imposed feeling that… can I truly say “no.”

“Of course you can!” I know that’s the answer. But recently I decided that it would be a good time to try my hand at dating again. It’s different now, of course. I’m poly, I already have a warm, loving partner, and I have two kids. All of that is on my profile. So, when I start talking to guys who message me and there seems to be common ground, I think “I should go out on a date with him. Why not? He seems nice….”  But I don’t think that’s the right approach. That’s what landed me in this shitty marriage to begin with. I think the new answer should be, “why should I?”

Like I said, I already have a partner who fills so many needs. And with two kids, my time is valuable. So… why should I waste it? My mother would have said, “go. What do you have to lose??” But I think that’s the wrong approach. I think the thing I have to lose is my time with myself or my boys. So, I need these men to make a case for taking me away from that. It seems so logical, but a HUGE part of me feels like, “aw, he’s probably nice. And you don’t want to hurt his feelings. Just go out with him.”

Why am I so caught up in the feelings of someone I don’t even know? If I say no to a date, am I really going to be the straw on his camel’s back? And so what if I am? Why is that responsibility on ME?

I don’t think I realised exactly how deep seeded my own misogyny and people-pleasing was, until I found OKCupid. And I have no idea how to mesh that with my natural dominance, other than push through and literally say aloud, “i can rock the boat. My job is not to please everyone. It is ok to say no, even if that hurts someone else.”

This might be the first time in my vanilla life that I’ve given myself permission to say no. It’s going to take a while for me to suss out exactly what that means.