The 2am Panic Attack

It’s late, and I SHOULD be happily passed out asleep in my bed. Alone. My ex took our oldest and Special K is at his place, so I have the bed all to myself. I should be luxuriating in being able to spread out!

But for some reason, I can’t. Fuck.

Last night, K and I went out on a “double poly (play) date.” It was mostly just to see how things went, which was well! K and this other Domme had played previously, and I encouraged him to spend more time with her. Her (sub) partner and I joined them, and it turned into a lovely evening, which progressed into a fun little play session back at their place. Where her sub and I kissed.

And it was fine.

I generally get a very instant gut reaction from a kiss. Anything from “OMFG GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME,” to my first kiss with Special K, where my brain exploded and little flaming candies came shooting out of my skull. This kiss with the sub was nice, which is a perfectly good starting point. But what it highlighted to me, more than anything, was how fucking over the moon in love I am with Special K. I don’t mean, “we love each other and may consider picking out china patterns,” I mean “sometimes kissing him feels just as important as breathing, and I feel like maybe parts of his soul mirror mine.”

It’s intense. And it’s fucking terrifying.

FUCK. I’m not even a citizen of this country! What do I do when I eventually move back? I can’t just take him with me; he’s not a puppy. What am I going to do in 5 years? In 10 years??

A smarter and better person would say, “live in the moment! Just enjoy it,” but I’ve come to accept that that’s just not who I am. And it’s worked in my favour; having backup plans for my backup plans are what made me able to leave my ex almost immediately upon deciding to get out. I’m a PLANNER. How do I make plans around this??

What if he hurts me?

I was able to leave my ex because I had, to a large degree, lost any love for the man. My sympathies for my ex-husband were more out of habit than anything else. But the connection I have with K is intense. If it ended now, what would I do? The bar is so high for anyone else in the future. The kiss with the sub was at once both relatively uneventful, and also illuminated a piece of my world.

My head is swirling, and my thoughts are spinning like dozens of tiny tops in my mind. He carries a piece of my heart with him, and every day that piece grows. What will I do when it’s over, someday? Because it has to be, right? What the hell am I doing falling so in love with someone, when I can’t guarantee them, or myself, a real future?

What the fuck is wrong with me?


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