You Will Never Hate Me As Much As I Hate Me Right Now

***TRIGGER WARNING, if that helps.***

It’s always sex with new people that just fucks me up, the most.

I always say that when I left my marriage, it was like waking up from a nightmare, and in a lot of ways, that’s really true. There were things and events that happened to me that I just kinda of…. ignored. They *happened,* but if I didn’t think too much about it, I was generally fine. If I stopped too long and thought too hard, I would just start to get angry, and I told myself that that was a useless emotion, and that my ex was HARD at work on his emotional and psychological issues, and it WOULD get better. When I stopped lying to myself about that, I had to start owning up to myself about a whole host of other, awful shit. If you ever meet someone who has been in an emotionally abusive relationship (I assume this rule will hold true for those who are physically abused, too, but I don’t know), they’ll tell you that they hate their ex partner(s). What they may not say, though, is just how much they’ve ever hated themselves.

HOW could I have stayed, as he made me feel unattractive, foolish, useless, a burden? WHY did I do that? I’m smart and I’ve got a seriously bad ass vanilla career. If I play my cards right, I could go pretty damn far, even at this later stage. But I stayed with someone who stepped over me as I gasped in the throws of an asthma attack on my kitchen floor, because fuck him, but WTF ME?????

Special K and I are poly, though. He’s the sweetest, kindest, most caring man I have ever met, with a soft, squishy little heart. And he loves me. And I feel like dirt, because I’ve hurt him so badly.

See, it’s always sex with new people that fucks me up the most. And we’ve met new people. A couple, really. Individually, they’re great, and Special K and I each get on well with either of the members. We also enjoy them as a couple. It’s actually kinda perfect. But as it happens, the female partner, “Sonata,” was free on Monday night, and I was feeling particularly horny…… as you do, when you’ve had awful sex for ten years and then all of a sudden have basically one orgasm after the other (hurray!!!).

K: You know…. we could invite Sonata over…? Maybe enjoy some “together” time?

Me: OMG FIND MY PHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!

*commence text flirting and inviting her sexy ass over to K’s place.*

If you’re in kink, then you know the first thing you do, really, is negotiate. It’s like wearing a condom, but for your state of mind; it’s protection to help make sure everyone has a safe, and healthy experience. But, much like a condom, some people can find that it ruins the mood. Who wants to discuss that time your ex husband held you down and ignored your safe word as you yelled it out, repeatedly, and fucked you against your will? There’s a mood killer. And when you’ve been with another partner for a while, you forget. You forget that you NEED to have these conversations, because HE already knows your triggers…..

…………………….but she doesn’t.

And sometimes, something happens, and you get triggered, and it’s nobody’s fault but your own that, now, the thought of anyone putting a hand on you, any physical contact at all, makes you feel ill. And you have to explain that to the most wonderful man in your life. You get to sit there and tell him that when he and Sonata joked about how you don’t submit, how they’re both switches, that it’s actually deeply painful that you CAN’T trust anyone enough to submit. That you actively repress a full half of your nature, because the thought of being tied down again turns you into a panicked mess.

And you’ve no one to blame but yourself. Because it was you who stayed in the marriage, and you who can’t afford therapy right now. It was you who got triggered and has to work through this mess, and in reality, they did nothing wrong at all. But it’s them you can’t touch, or hold, and tell them that they’re not bad or wrong. You get to sit in your glass case. All alone. And hope that they’ll still be there when you get released from your mental “time out.”

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2 thoughts on “You Will Never Hate Me As Much As I Hate Me Right Now

    • Many thanks. I’m on day 3 and I’m already doing better than I was. I see Special K tomorrow, and I look forward to being able to kiss him. But the reality is, it’s a long road ahead of me, and this only FEELS like I’m over it. Clearly, if I’m to take responsibility and ownership over myself and my actions, I’ll need to work very hard.

      Worth it.

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