When playing with Miss Sonata and my Special K recently, I was triggered back to an incident of assault from my ex husband, and also my first and only Dom. I say it so casually, because I want it to be less and less of a significant incident in my life. It happened. I accept and acknowledge that my consent was knowingly and willfully violated. But it’s over, I’m safe, and I’m with a loving partner, now. It will never happen again.
…but it’s impacted my ability to express loving submission in any meaningful way to anyone, ever since. Being a Switch-now-Domme because that’s all that’s left to me isn’t as fulfilling as I pretend it is. Exploring and expressing 50% of your sexuality is… challenging. And, to be honest, it’s a degree of control that I allow my ex to continue to exert over me. If I allow his abuse to impact on what I can do and with whom, who is really in control? Who is TRULY the Dom/me, here?
The last great battlefield of exiting any abusive relationship, is always the mind (I really wanted to say “mind field! LOL!” and I didn’t and you’re welcome for that). To really purge him from my life, I have to scrub the traces of control he left on my thought processes. But how do you do that when even imagining the sensation of being tied down is enough to make your stomach turn? When the thought of a man exerting control over you makes you want to run? It’s pretty simple, isn’t it?
You turn to a woman.
On Monday, I’m going to take out Miss Sonata on a date. There will very likely be some manner of inappropriate touching (YAY!!), and at some point in the evening, I’m going to sit her down and ask her if she would be willing to work with me on this. Because this isn’t a “quick fix.” One night of sweet lady-loving isn’t going to cure ten years of mental twisting. But if we go slow and communicate, I feel like this would bring me one step closer to pulling my ex out, like a tick that’s dug into my skin.
So, I’m scared and excited, and I’m *almost certain* that those feelings are not at all tied to the food poisoning I had last week, which I do not recommend. At all.