When you’re monogamous and you’re seeing a partner, you tell each other everything, right?
That’s a legitimate question, because obviously I don’t know, because Single Expat Mom.
If Hollywood has taught me anything, it’s this: perfect relationships are based on perfect honesty, and studio apartments in manhattan can be rented out on a journalist’s salary, with income to spare for over-priced shoes. But I digress.
With poly, it’s a bit more of a challenge. Special K is having problems with Pepto Bismol, his girlfriend who loves EVERYTHING to be PINK and FLUFFY and DISNEY, which is fine, I guess. I don’t dislike her for that. I dislike her for that, AND other things.
Like how recently he’s been on edge and mouthy. I sat him down yesterday, in between running to the bathroom because I had to have an endoscopy, so they make you do this colon cleanse which I feel like would be a great weight-loss programme, if it’s wasn’t so hellish. Anyway, I sat him down and asked him why he was so snarky and a bit bitter lately. It turns out that Pepto, who was never poly but would never admit it, has been making his life harder since he met Sonata. It’s all very hard to picture without a diagram, but stay with me, here. Special K has been seeing me and Pepto (who openly admits she never liked me and never wanted him to start seeing me), and now he’s begun seeing Sonata, (whom I plan to sleep with because she’s cute as hell and funny). So, Pepto has been bitter and angry, and she’s been making Special K bitter and angry, which again, learning from Hollywood, doesn’t seem like the best basis for a marriage.
So, where do I need your help? Exactly here:
Special K didn’t want to tell me any of this, because I suppose he knows how much I dislike Pepto and her effects on him. He wants to try to keep the three dynamics (K+myself, K+Sonata, and K+Pepto) partitioned and agnostic of each other. But….. I don’t think that’s working. Maybe for some people, it does, I don’t know. But I think they’re bleeding into each other. He can’t be sad and depressed with Pepto, and then expect to be a thrill ride with me.
On the flip-side of this crazy poly vinyl, I can’t force him to divulge his drama-llama situation. That’s THEIR business (or is it? idk). Isn’t it my business if it begins to effect me because he’s sad? Even as a Domme, I can’t make these decisions for him as to what happens to their relationship. Should I talk to Sonata about this?
If I hate people so much, why am I in a relationship with so many of them?
HELP WANTED!!!!!
Welcome to the Domme House 
Just my 2 cents. All poly relationships are different, every dynamic is different, we’re all special snowflakes and all that.
In my experience, the separation K wants is possible (to a point), but once you start adding three or more relationships, it gets more and more difficult. First of all, there just aren’t enough hours in the day. Having 3 simultaneous relationships, completely separate from each other, is exhausting.
And you said it yourself. When he’s having problems in one relationship, it colors his mood and affects his relationship with you.
Simply going off of the blog post here, it looks like Pepto is the one EVERYONE needs to sit down with. She’s causing the problems, and it’s a pretty safe bet it’s affecting his relationship with Sonata, too.
As nauseating as she sounds, she’s a damn adult, and she needs to be able to communicate like one. If she can’t, or if she flat-out lies, then it’s on K to make a decision that satisfies the two healthy relationships that are being affected. But it’s not fair to you, Sonata, or K that those problems are affecting your time with him.
It’s possible to have a sub with a girlfriend you don’t like. I don’t like my sub’s girlfriend, I think she’s a horrible person. But I don’t have to associate with her. She comes over, we say hi, and they go to the bedroom to play, and then she leaves. It’s possible, but complicated, and it doesn’t work if she’s causing problems for him.
My advice (take it for what it’s worth) is to have you, Sonata, and K sit down with Pepto and illustrate, in very non-accusatory language, what is going on and how her actions are affecting you and stressing him out. If she’s trying to sabotage his other relationships, that’s a problem, and the responsibility to fix it falls solely on K’s shoulders.
Thanks for this. Sometimes, hearing someone echo your thoughts just makes you feel a bit more comfortable with them. As to Pepto, I’ve sat down with her on more than one occasion. At one point, she caused so much chaos in my life that I told K, “just choose, because I cant have her in my life in ANY capacity.” He chose me, but he was miserable and I said that he could do what he liked, so long as it didn’t impact me. That was a year ago, and I think it’s time for another chat. The problem is, he’s incapable of breaking up until this is literally a disaster and impossible to live with. THEN he will end it. But I don’t need that chaos.
I think the only thing to say is that I love him so much, but I don’t like who he is when he’s been with her. He’s patronising and gets nasty. If I wanted that, I could have stayed in my marriage.
That’s got to be rough. All I can say is I hope the situation gets better. Looks like he might have to choose again, and recognize that her influence is toxic to at least one of his other relationships. I hope it gets better soon.