When Their Need Draws Out A Darker Part of You…

In the West, we’ve built up this culture of toxic masculinity, but in so doing we’ve also created this undercurrent of men who long to submit at the hand (or heel) of the Authoritative Woman. I don’t blame the men who want to submit; after a while, it’s nice to hand the ropes over to someone else and let them take the lead. On a cultural level, it makes sense that men who are forced to limit themselves to a specific role would eventually seek out a way, even if only in private, to expand and break out of that rigid structure.

And then sometimes you get a client who wants more than just to be your puppy or your pain slut. Sometimes, you meet a client who needs you to access the darker part of your personality. A client who sees in you an aspect of your personality that you try to keep covered up. Maybe it’s not “pretty,” or you’ve grown up being told that girls don’t get violent or aggressive. We don’t punch or yell, we don’t kick, and we certainly don’t lose our fucking cool. That’s not “pretty.” But this client, that’s what he needs. He craves for you to be “not pretty” with him. He’s drawn to a darkness inside of you, and you wonder how he even knew it was there. That’s where we are right now.

I had a scene with a client. I did EVERYTHING I normally do, and it felt like we both kept missing the mark. He never got into head space, and I was bored for a good bit of it. Until the end. When I took the gag out and the mask off, and he said something to make me laugh… and I punched him. I’m a very physical person, and if I know a man can take it, I’ll punch him square in the chest (with his permission, obviously). It took nothing more than that to land him squarely in his sweet spot. I kept it going, escalating the violence until he called his safe word. But I could have kept going. I would HAPPILY have beat him until he bled for me. And that’s just the start. I would, in my darker moments, take everything out on him that I have ever had pent up. And that’s what scares me. How dark can I go? How dark will we both go? Will this open up a psychological can of worms for me? With all my anger from the divorce and years of emotional abuse, years of dealing with having been fired for being pregnant, and then being objectified by people around me… is this now my therapy? Do you push back on clients who challenge a part of you that you’re not comfortable with, or do you ride it out?

We’ll see, I guess, whether I call time of death or try to let my worms out, slowly, one by leather-clad one.

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