How To Spot A Time Waster, Online: A story in eleventy billion parts

Deadbeat Dad was supposed to help pay for my oldest’s school fees. €50 per week. He has since stopped, with no sight of him helping out, leaving me with a €700 bill. That’s TREMENDOUS motivation for me to find new clients, so I signed up with That Site for BabyGirls and Sugardaddies, just to see if I could find an untapped source of clients. Most of my clients come through word of mouth, but you gotta keep your hustle hot, I say.

When a client reaches out to you, it’s generally easy to figure out if they’re legit, or if they’re getting off on just contacting you, because OMG PRO DOMMMMMMMMMMMMMME!!!  They ask the right questions, and do so, respectfully. On a site like this, everyone can edit themselves, and everyone can seem earnest. Until you get weirdos like the one we’re about to examine. So, good morning all! I bring you the first of many, “How To Spot a Time Waster.” You could also title this, “I Know Sexuality Isn’t A Choice, Because You Make Me Want to Hit the ‘Lesbian’ Button Super Hard Right Now.” I don’t mean the clit…. but hit that hard, if you like it. No judgments.

Our opening act:

Chocolate 1

Sweetheart, if you’re telling me about your baggage in your opening gambit, YOU ARE NOT OVER IT. And why would I even want to hear about it, anyway? Let me tell you why you’re single and on here…

Chocolate 2.PNG

It’ll never be mine?! But, we haven’t even met and I already know you’re a drama show with a side of chaos, panic, and disorder. Even if you pay me, now, I don’t want to see you. HOW CAN YOU THINK THIS IS AN APPEALING AD, MY DUDE?!

Chocolate 3

*Takes a deep breath* First of all, I’m 36. Not every woman on here is 18 years +1 day like in those movies you watch with the lotion next to your bed. And I never thought you were having a midlife crisis… until you said it. And even if I did, WHY would I care?!

See, the men on here think this is a dating site. They’re looking for love. But that’s what eHarmony is for; this site is for us to have “mutually beneficial relationships.” I’m glad you worked hard for your money (I can’t look at this profile without singing that in my head), but that’s why you’re on here. You’re here to spend it on women, so if you don’t want a “welfare” case to spend it on, then LEAVE. JESUS CHRIST.

Chocolate 4.PNG

This site is at once tremendously empowering, and deeply disturbing. You find some very respectful men who understand the game, and then you meet men like this: entrenched misogynists who don’t even understand why what they’re saying is so horribly wrong.

The “woman” he’s looking for is a naïve girl who would view 37 as “midlife crisis-ready,” who needs this dipshit to educate her in the “ways of the world,” (I can’t type that without rolling my eyes so hard, I can see my own brain), but smart enough to know that she needs money and resourceful enough to come on here? You want Fiction Girl, my friend. You have unrealistic understanding of women, and then you are surprised when your relationships don’t work out. You’re single, not married, probably White, mid-level successful, and a Bro. You wear khakis instead of jeans, and you only wear sneakers to a gym, if you go.

Conclusion: You’re a time waster, because this girl does not exist, and you won’t accept anything less. Since you don’t view women as complex people, rather than objects to be acquired or pretty children, you will never understand why you can’t keep things going, and you will simply enrage me with your entire existence.

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